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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29241291">A Simpler Heartache</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAAStarboyAAA/pseuds/AAAStarboyAAA'>AAAStarboyAAA</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tokyo Ghoul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anteiku Café (Tokyo Ghoul), Canon Divergence, Fluff without Plot, M/M, Pre-Canon, and by that i mean it is kinda implied hide has either gotten a do over or he's dead, but it's very easy to ignore this is fluff, but they maybe uno reverse????, childhood friends go brrrrrr, did they go home or did they Go Home that's up to you, human!Kaneki, i always forget how much Sass kuroneki has, interpret the meta however you want, it's in hide's pov bc i kin him so much it hurts, liberal usage of sappy song lyrics, no plot head empty, none of that shit ever happened, the kids aren't alright is emotionally playing through this entire story, the point of this is hide needs some love too ok, they commit minor crimes bc im projecting (for legal reasons this is a joke), they literally just go on a date instead of starting a tragedy, they're both switches lmao but hide makes a lot of haha kaneki bottom jokes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:21:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,859</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29241291</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAAStarboyAAA/pseuds/AAAStarboyAAA</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Is this real or fake? Does it really even matter?<br/>Hide opens his eyes and he's eating lunch with Kaneki at Anteiku, with the odd feeling that the purple haired girl with that book might not be the best option for his friend. There's someone better he could go out with, after all.</p>
<p>In other words, stupid self indulgent au where none of that shit happens bc hide decides to stop ignoring his feelings finally and kaneki gets to say all he never would have gotten to and let's go home means something a lot less devestating but equally gay</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Simpler Heartache</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sometimes you hate the canon so much you have to write an au where the story simply does not occur and they Go On A Date instead. God they're so in love. Also shut up about my music taste. Hide listens to this shit and that's not up for debate (WHY DOES THIS HAVE SO MANY TAGS HFIESHFOISHDFSD i talk so much)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>--let's go home.--</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I had visions of fire, overtaking the coffee shop. In violet darkness, flurries of snow and ash landing on the pieces of a broken teacup.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With an odd, warm pain, it faded and vanished.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...Dripping water, in dirty puddles in an underground tunnel, ceiling shaken with who knew what above and crimson liquid seeping into the sewage.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shuddering agony and abruptly, blackness-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And in either, white hair, a black nailed hand scraped and bloodied, grasping at empty air, falling to the ground.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>I pulled my head from its resting place in my hands, startled. I blinked, and I blinked again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bright light, warm and yellow, blinding to my tired eyes. It was fading in the quiet surroundings of muted conversations and the clatter of silverware, the aromatic scent of fresh coffee hung in the air.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shook my head, orienting myself. What had I been saying?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey, Kaneki, you listening to me?" I leveled my gaze at the boy seated opposite me at the coffee shop table. The black haired slip of a boy was right there, shy and calm, his nose in a book, grey eyes wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up, midday light and dappled shadows rippling over his pale face. "Hm?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I smirked confidently and waved my hand in front of his face, making a swipe for the book he was reading.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"H- HEY-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I squinted at the kanji, overdramatically crossing my legs and exaggerating my speech as I read. "She brought a grAsping hAnd down on the man and r i p p e d the fLeSh off of his uNsUspEcTinG arm (what??), coverInG hIs mOuth so that he coULD NOT SCREAM-" I looked up. "What is this, porn?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"HIDE!!" The introverted boy screeched, snatching the book from his hands and holding it to his chest, staring pointedly at the ground as his pale face flushed. "No!! It's not- it's about, ghouls, and murder, it's very sophisticated-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's vore or something, isn't it." I smirked, chin resting calmly on my knuckles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"IT'S NOT"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah. Right." I smiled in sarcasm, still just teasing him. I sighed, looking over my shoulder as a violet haired girl came and gave us our food looking slightly amused. "Man, we have </span>
  <em>
    <span>gotta</span>
  </em>
  <span> get you someone to talk about these things with."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I immediately dug into the sandwich, a very classic This Is A Coffee Shop kind of sandwich. I'd never been here before, just thought it would be nice to check the place out, since we were close- Anteiku. It wasn't bad, by any means, it was just clear the place specialized more on their drinks than their food. Still. Sandwich was sandwich. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast rushing out the door for class, and, well, it was welcome.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Kaneki was enjoying himself. That was kind of rare, to be honest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It made me more happy than it even usually did for my hyperempathetic ass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I found myself getting comfortable, though we hadn't ended up hanging out for a while, it was never hard to talk with Kaneki.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was doing so well now, compared to the beginning of college, he'd really branched out. With my help of course, but now he kind of had friends in his classes, even though a lot of them were, the professors. And there I was, gazing upon him, pale porcelain face rosy and holding his sandwich loose, attempting to explain the plot of his book to me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Uh, I'm, allergic to books, king," I ended up saying, smiling stupidly and rolling my eyes. I focused only on the neat fall of his hair, reflecting softly in the sun, his blue sweatshirt unzipped, hunched over his book.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was so lovely, wasn't it? My best friend's exasperated, flustered face, no longer a child's but still sweet and plain, bluntly showing me everything he was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck. Shut up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So who's the girl you were talking about?" I asked erroneously, attempting to derail my mind from that track. Kaneki had been going to this place for a bit (crazy, right- Kaneki, going to a place I'd never been lmao) so he’d seen the regulars, I guess.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, uh… oh god I didn't mean-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Overbearingly extra, I leaned forward to within inches of his face, holding a hand up to his ear. "Is it the purple girl?? I like the purple girl. She's cool. She looks like she could peg you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki's face went bright red with my smile stuck up there, breathless, making strangled noises. "whhAaAaahshhIDE"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then as I said that, the door's chime rang and in came another customer, with hair a lighter color than the barista's, much longer and more feminine, with glasses. She was holding a book- the same one as Kaneki's.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I meant her-" he said, "But I- I didn't mean, I, she has the same book as me. I think that's super cool-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I turned my gaze to her, opening my mouth to suggest that he might go on a date with her or something before my own emotions could get in the way- since he'd seemed stupidly in need of a hoe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was something…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman came to the table and sat down and there was nothing wrong, she seemed nice enough and it wasn't as if she wasn't attractive (although I couldn't say anything from Kaneki's point of view) but a sudden wave of just… really bad vibes hit me. It was heavy, terribly sickeningly heavy like a premonition.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With half a word out of my mouth, my breath caught and I closed my mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My heart beat fast, I felt that if we didn't leave- something would happen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Reports about ghoul investigators played in the background but everything was so bright and too right, too calm, too perfect.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What?" Kaneki asked, cocking his head, still somewhat flustered that I'd leaned nearly the whole length of the table getting in close to annoy him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was irrational, sure, but… there was something haunting Kaneki, something so cold and white. In the air, in my mind, perhaps it was her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Nevermind, it was a dumb thought," I shrugged. "Anyway, I was thinking maybe we could hang out?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, to do what? Isn't that what we're doing? Right now?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I dunno, that's different. I know you want a date, man, but that girl's so not it. She looks way outta your league. So," I shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki blinked. "So are you suggesting I go on a date with you instead?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I nearly spit my drink all across his front, doubling over. "Hghfshh- gwhhsd- lmao yeah sure." I waggled my eyebrows at him, layering the words with deflecting sarcasm. "God knows you're not getting anyone better than me." I pointed a thumb at myself, smiling wide. "If it's any condolence, Neki, I could also peg you for free."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Red in the face, the black haired boy laughed nervously. "Why are you like thisssss-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh shut up, you know you want me," I joked, standing up and leaning over the table. "Date wit da homies. Platonic spicy. Friendship sex, if you please." I laughed. "No but really, you wanna just spend the day with me? I know you're not doing shit." I looked down. "Or are you? I dunno, I spent years trying to get you more friends and all but hey. I miss you, bitch."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tore his eyes from the girl, focusing back on me as I laughed, somewhat self deprecating, and he looked at me like he'd just seen me for the first time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(Hi. It's me, Hide. Hi, yes, right here in the flashy headphones and two toned sweatshirt with the popped collar, and my hair needs redying like always, with my ridiculous green cargo pants rolled up to let the world know I cuff my metaphorical jeans- Am I so great to look at? Of course I am. But like. Uh. Hi, Kaneki.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...Yeah, sure! I'm free the rest of the day and tomorrow's a Saturday, so we're good. I'd actually really like to. Thanks for asking."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“POG” I said, which probably wasn't the best 'oh my god he just kind of said he'd go on a date with me' response, but well, he signed up for this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I smiled, and the world seemed to open as the girl cleaned our empty plates and cups as he stuck his book in his bag, looking back up at me, his face brightening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I can't believe I bullied you into going on a date with me," I laughed, smirking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Haha," he rolled his eyes. "Sure."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't bother thanking me, I know you need a fucking break. Don't give me any studying bullshit, you have that test in the bag."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I-" He hesitated, looking down. "Thanks, Hide." He brightened visibly, a kind of weight lifted from his shoulders. I knew he'd have felt obligated to do something 'productive' with his time if I didn't suggest anything stupid at once, but if I wanted to do something he'd take it as an 'excuse'.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was a weird guy, huh. But I liked him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And we left the shop, a final glimpse of purple disappearing as the door shut behind us with a ding, into the summer air.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Come on, let's do something stupid, huh?" I grabbed his hand and pulled him forward, dragging him to the bus stop as he followed, carrying all his things with him. "I've got just the thing. You were gonna take the bus back to your place anyway, right?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ah- yeah, not anything too crazy, alright? And if you don't mind I'd rather not get sucked into anything with any other friends, I kind of told most of them I'd be studying so I couldn't be around."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was also very nice to see him refer to them as 'our friends' when they'd always been my friends which I kept throwing at Kaneki in hopes something would stick.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But secretly, the request made me happy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No, of course not. It'll just be the two of us, like old times." A laugh bubbled to the surface of my being. "Although without my dads breathing down our necks and offering snacks 24/7." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We got on the bus and Kaneki went straight to the back. I gave him the window seat, but as compensation, I took up the whole booth by draping my legs across his lap. "We can get ice cream and then go to a bookshop or whatever you want, then I have Ideas."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki smiled eagerly, and warmth bloomed in me like bright, tall sunflowers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The whole day was a blur of sights and smiles, just running around the city with Kaneki, doing nothing in particular but having fun. And it was so easy, somehow I'd forgotten in the rush of tests and clubs and trying to dream up some kind of future that we hadn't done this in so long..</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I had plenty of friends, it wasn't that I just wanted someone to go get ice cream and hang out with.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wanted to be with Kaneki.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn't a new feeling, far from it, this kid had been my default setting since kindergarten. But rarely had I thought about just how much he was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't have any cash on me," Kaneki realized, as we walked into the ice cream place I'd been talking about. "I have like seven yen. You don't need to get me anything-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Bullshit, you wanted that stupid cookie flavor, right?" I walked up to the counter and he reluctantly nodded, smiling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright, but only a sugar cone."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I turned to the girl at the counter, taking a single glance at the menu. "Alright, one cookies and cream in a sugar cone, and I want superman, gimme the waffle."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You didn't have to…" Ken said, but smiled nonetheless, and took the cone as I brandished my own gigantic colorful cone. As I looked up, I then had the pleasure of viewing Kaneki, with his cone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"God, how do I always forget you bite ice cream. We're breaking up," I joked, and he raised his eyebrows, giving me a Look.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Motherfucker. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Let's go outside," I moved on, face red. "They air condition this place like a motherfucker."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, sure."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We ended up going on the patio in front of the shop, loitering around in the sun till we had to take our sweatshirts off, me carrying Kaneki's as well as my own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...So I ended up getting a ticket to the concert, which is fucking epic, but the problem was there was only one," I was saying to him, multitasking and licking the drips of the ice cream down my hand at an odd angle. "Who goes to a concert alone?? I woulda asked you if I had another one but I didn't, so I ended up giving it away to someone whose friends were going."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You spent so much on that!!" Kaneki responded. "You should have gone."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shrugged. "I have no regrets. It would have been tonight. I got better shit to do."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Like what?" He said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Mario Kart?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You," I said, even though the joke was over, (look at me i made a haha funny sex with the homies amirite?????)  doubling over and looking up at Kaneki, only to realize my oversized ice cream soup had fallen on the ground. "Oh. Fuck. Shit." I smiled, covering my eyes in embarrassment. "I guess this is the price of one too many 'I-peg-Kaneki' jokes. Ah whatever, you wanted to go to the old bookstore over there right? I heard they sell American comics too!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki looked dazed, I probably threw a lot at him at once. "Uh- yeah totally!" His eyes lit up. "I've always wanted to go there! I probably won't buy anything, I know if I let myself buy anything I'll end up carrying 73 books out of this store and have no money left for rent."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I have a solution for that: stealing."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"HIDE NO."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hide yes &lt;3"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I want you dead."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sure you do. I'm just joking, Neki." I rolled my eyes, feeling bubbly and soft and happy even though I was still bummed about the ice cream.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...Do you want to share?" Kaneki asked, holding out his cone with a giant fucking bite taken out of it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What, really? It's my fault." I held up my hands. "I'm clumsy and I dropped it." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, but you bought mine," He shrugged, offering it nicely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A stupid smile came onto my face. "Yeah, ok. Alright. Let's get you some books," I said, and Kaneki slung his bag over his shoulder, smiling sweetly, his fingers brushing mine as he handed me the cone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Thanks, Neki, you're a doll," I said, confident and joking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feet on the pavement and people walking all around us in their daily lives, bright color and warmth all over as we walked through the busy street.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So really, why have you been so nice to me today, Hide?" he asked, hands clutching the strap of his book bag. "It's really over the top, you don't have to do these things."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I finger gunned him, like the awkward bisexual I was. "Chivalry isn't dead, babey."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laughed. "Hide, I'm your best friend. Or at least I like to think I am."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh no, you are," I reassured him with a smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"If you were trying to win me over, I'll assure you that you accomplished that by the time I was six."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I shrugged, finishing off most of the cone before leaving him the little bottom-cone-chocolate, handing it over like an engagement ring. "Oh, I know. But what's wrong with being nice, eh? It's my only redeemable trait."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't know… you've just… I don't appreciate you, like I should. You've always got just the thing. You really helped me last year, you know without you I would have talked to maybe one person once all year." He laughed nervously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I want the best for you," I said, which was…  the closest thing to the truth I could say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's really sweet, Hide, I…  missed hanging out with you, don't tell me you have to be anywhere later."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't. You're not wasting my time, Ken."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We walked into the bookshop and got a blast of cold air, a small place that at the same time appeared kind of endless, peering into the teetering rows of shelves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Damn, Kaneki, don't get lost in here-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I won't!" he replied, excitement and wonder leaping from his voice. And I followed him as he nearly twirled into the stacks, inhaling the smell of old books.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I tagged along, marvelling at the odd character of this place, and falling silent, I found myself just… looking at him. There he was, pulling a book off a shelf too high for him, calm and soft and skimming the pages, standing right next to me and turning to ask me what I thought of one…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...and I could fathom why I was halfway to crying, staring upon that peaceful face, so warm and soft and innocent, so easy to reach, I could reach out and touch him-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Is there any reason you're holding my hand?" Kaneki asked, but squeezed it back. His hand was smaller than mine, nearly dainty like his fingers would break if I held him too hard, somehow pleasant and cool in the summer where my hand was probably big and clumsy and sweaty.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God. I needed to stop. Being so. Bisexual.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Uh, I need something to do with my hands or I'll accidentally make a whole shelf fall down?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That's fair."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Do you want all those?" I eyed the precarious pile of books.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes, but I'll probably have to narrow it down to about three. My bookshelf is full to the brim," he said, which meant he didn't want to say he didn't have enough money.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's alright, I'll get that one for you, but you owe me!!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He deadpanned, deflecting. "How am I supposed to pay you back, shawty?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked. "DID YOU JUST SAY SHAWTY???"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, god, I did," Kaneki exhaled, red in the face. "I blame you. I blame you. It's your fault."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It is my fault. But like." I made puppy eyes. "If you really wanted to pay me back you'd come to unspecified places when it gets dark and do semi-legal things."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes widened. "...whAt?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Dude, it's just breaking and entering, do not worry."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"WHQHFHEFHWE"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's a deal." I grabbed the pile of books from Kaneki's arms and immediately doubled over, winded. "FUCK, man, you're stronger than you look!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I've gotten used to carrying a lot of books around… but you're buying me. So much. It's not actually a date, Hide, you're not my sugar daddy."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not?" I responded, mocking disappointment. He shook his head, smiling. "Well, it's not my fault you're unemployed. I've gotta get you a job."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well I'm sorry that I have standards and don't want to work at a fast food place."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I know, I know, you're delicate," I rolled my eyes, nearly tripping over a sidewalk step as I said it. "I, however, can handle it." (He gave me a look as I barely kept hold of my shit. This was not relevant to what I was saying.) "And it's not like I'll be there forever, once I get my degree I can do something cool. I just like… haven't narrowed down the possibilities yet."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I still fail to see how you're planning on being an activist and also a preschool teacher and also a gardener with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>psychology </span>
  </em>
  <span>degree."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't forget the detective bit. Also kinda wanna do that, but that might just be Death Note talking. I'll figure it out at some point," I smiled at him, holding my hands behind my head, looking up. "Also definitely wanna go to NYC at some point, you know? Tokyo's epic, but I've always wanted to go to America. Not for long, just to say I've done it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That sounds fun. But also." He looked down, eyes wide. "Hhh. Planes. Very high. I want to go on a plane, but also I definitely do not, yknow. I'd never wanna go on one without you, for sure."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You've said that before, king- I'm also loving this expectation that you're coming with. I'll take you in a cat carrier or something."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I, hate you." He smiled. "Totally random, but didn't they like legalize gay marriage over there?? I think that's pretty cool."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah!! My dads told me a couple years back when it happened. Wanna get married for tax reasons when we go?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You can do that?" he laughed, but his cheeks were the color of a blooming rose. "I'd think it might be kind of difficult…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Neki, it was. A joke," I said, but honestly? Not in the way I was implying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For tax reasons my ass.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You just want to live with him again, don't you.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...I did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We'd dormed together in freshman year, mostly because he'd gotten to Kamii on a scholarship and his aunt completely failed to save any money for him to get ahead in life (fucking bitch). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I, uh, hadn't gotten a scholarship, so I was paying the price, I supposed, for wanting to go to fancy bitch college with my fancy bitch best friend, so I proposed we room together to both save on cost.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I spent the better part of the year in his presence, and though I'd realized eventually he needed to branch out from his comfort zone of, like, just me, I… missed it, now that we had our own places.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I didn't want to tell him, honestly, how much I got used to the idea of having him around, living together, sleeping so close, bothering him when he woke up early and him telling me to go to bed, sleepy cuddles, sharing food, simply living in the same place and such…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He must have assured I only accommodated him out of the goodness of my heart. I don't think he ever realized I needed him just as much as he needed me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I hoped my actions could show what would not come out of my mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So I found myself by his side, through the day, the sun casting longer and longer shadows behind us, forgetting time altogether as the world went by.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Call me whatever you like, but there running along abandoned railroad tracks with him, the late August sunlight in the wind weaving golden into his shining black hair, I was in love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And as I realized it, staring straight into his eyes, I went cold. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...I was in love with him. Romantically. And it wasn't a joke, it wasn't just the way I saw all the world like a cheesy rom com, our romanticised and colorful and soft world, the same kid I'd known since I was a child-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wanted to like, kiss him and stuff. I wanted to be his everything, I wanted to see his blush and smile and learn what the ice cream tasted like on my lips, he was beautiful, I never wanted to let him go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And well, I definitely wasn't opposed to pegging a twink.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was a problem, my brain nagged at me, a discovery of my own feelings when I'd always focused on healing his, on this thing between hanging out with a friend and a date, eyes not realizing how long they'd been staring into his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Make no mistake, it wasn't although I'd never noticed before. I'd have to really be a dumbass by now not to realize the nature of the feelings I had for him, but… I'd always chosen not to act on them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was my best friend, and I always just saw it that this was the way he needed me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I was already close to him, and that should be good enough for me. He trusted me and told me all his secrets and smiled when I was around. No need to make him miserable by complicating things unnecessarily, no need to ask him to give as much as I did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I could always date other people, I said to myself, I wanted to get experience with those type of things, came up with stupid 'I'd like to sleep with someone of every gender, but they keep coming up with new genders' lists, yaknow haha.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I simply romanticized my own friendship with him too much for my own good. Bromance, huh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wanting to absolutely rail your best friend, completely normal. Something that simply never needed to be addressed, unless he wanted it to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, if this was a date, it was platonic, you know.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Here to wipe his tears away, to read his heart in the stars and help him with his homework, gift him every smile that came from the beauty of his face. He'd suffered enough, he'd cried quite enough times, I would always be there to help him out if no one else would.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wanted the best for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But was it selfish to have him a little to myself?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sun set, and everything softened, and I felt the need to keep him near me, in whatever capacity. Suddenly given it, I was drunk with his smile, twining my fingers with his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sky was the most wondrous shade of blue receding purple at the edges, the first streetlights beginning to brighten the streets as the last of the afternoon fled from the horizon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So where did you want to take me that was so special?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sure you can tell by now."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Not really, since you're covering my eyes with your hands."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"This is in no way my problem," I grinned wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Quit it, Hide, god-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I released him as we got off the last bus stop of the day, lights in the distance beginning to shine more than the sky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Wait, this is… around the elementary school," he laughed, looking up and taking in the familiar surroundings, the air cooling down outside.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah lmao," I held my arms behind my head, sighing. "I thought it would be cool. Not the school, of course, the playground."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Isn't it closed????"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Uh, duh king."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But isn't that-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh my god Kaneki, if I didn't manage to bully you into illegal activities while we're still teenagers I'd be worthless as a best friend." I cocked my head, blonde hair getting stupid in the wind. "This is the best time of day, man."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiled. "I agree. It's kind of ethereal."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The streets became less busy as we wound our way along familiar paths, walking back in time with every step, layers of ourselves coming away like onion skin and showing, beneath it all, the stupid kids that spent all the time we got to with each other on these grounds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So, you coming with me or not, pretty boy?" I smirked, throwing my leg over the top of the fence I'd climbed in two strides.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up at me in the fading sunset and his eyes were wide, a bit awed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I found myself wondering what he saw, looking through his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This dummy thicc 19 year old with faded bleached hair sticking up in seven directions, smiling stupidly and holding out a hand with one leg over the fence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I must assume I was pretty sexy, as he grew slightly pink, mouth lolling open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Uh-" He glanced around nervously, still apparently worried about how legal this was, then set his jaw, resolved. "Alright, if you promise to catch me if I fall."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I breathed out in frustration. "You're not gonna fall," I laughed, pulling him completely upwards as I hovered at the top of the fence, his hand firm and cool, slight. Nervous, he looked to me again, and lowered himself to the ground with the shortest drop as possible. However, I'd forgotten to let go of his hand, and ended up tumbling down with him, making an amusing noise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the woodchips with the wind thrown out of me, I found Kaneki's face, smirking a little.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"yOu'Re nOt goNnA fAAUUUUHFGHDHH" he imitated, leaning forward.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're so mean to me," I smiled wryly back with exaggerated breath, looking up. And he tried to help me up, but well, he had like 0.5 of a muscle, and it didn't work very well.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nevertheless, I felt lightheaded, whether it was the fall or his hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In twilight, it was just like I remembered, when we were little kids, when we were eleven and the oldest kids there, when we were middle schoolers dropped off here to watch fireworks while the adults were off drinking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ah, nostalgia- a playground at night, a childhood friend, sexual tension thick enough you could cut it with a knife.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Damn, the last time we were here musta been the fireworks in sixth grade, right? I was definitely off the shits that day, didn't I ask you something about ghouls?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, you asked me-" He laughed in embarrassment. "You asked me if I would, like, eat someone I loved? God, you were weird in middle school."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well to be fair, you bite your ice cream."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT???"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hhhhhhhh" I gestured vaguely, saying nothing at all, high on the wonderful feeling of teenage delinquency with my favorite bitch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hide, you have woodchips in your hair-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't patronize me, I knew they were there," I said, blindly grabbing my hair. "Kaneki, I'm just a blonde boy doing what blonde boys do," I laughed again, looking up at the playground for the first time from the inside. "But seriously Kaneki, I haven't been on this motherfucker since I was eleven!!" I saw the merry go round, immediately running towards it. I grabbed one of the handles, in the deserted area, all the colorful equipment completely free to mess with.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once I got it going good, I leapt on, but I kind of slipped and the world began to blur, a delirious laugh escaping my mouth as my heart rate spiked-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I lost my grip and went flying, landing unceremoniously on the ground with my head spinning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"There's a reason you haven't been on there since you were eleven, if you recall," Kaneki smiled, coming towards me. "Are you alright?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stared up at him on the ground, his image unsteady in my vision, and my body felt like it just went through the blender. And god, he looked so kissable right then, or maybe I wanted to be kissed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh yeah, I'm fantastic."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We spent a significant amount of time horsing around in the place like little kids, reverting to the default it had always been where we were at recess out here running around the tunnels playing tag, trying to throw each other off the seesaw, climbing on top of the monkey bars and making Kaneki laugh when I hung off them with my legs, my shirt falling up onto my face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time the last colors of sunset faded from the air we were laying exhausted and smiling so hard it hurt, staring up at a sky royal blue, tinged grey-purple the least light polluted area in the whole 20th ward.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I loved being a kid in this place," Kaneki said, turning to me, both of our faces red. "It's just… got this aura right?" He looked up. "Though I suppose that was you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I laughed. "That's me, mister starboy right here. Stupid kid with chocolate stains on his face 24/7. Don't know what you saw in me."  I turned my attention to the large dome at the edge of the playground, shaped like a huge whale.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>We'd sat up there to watch the fireworks back in 6th grade, and it was our daily haunt back in the early days. Top of the world kind of appeal, you know. The playground was at the crest of a hill, that side, and sitting there with him we felt like royalty. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Wanna head up to the friend spot?" I asked, our old name for the place. Don't ask why, we were all of seven. It stuck. Like a lot of things, with us.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded, and we hauled our tired asses up there, smiles bright as stars.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Today's been super fun," he laughed, sitting down on the cool plastic, on the left side with me on the right like always before. "I've been really focused on schoolwork and all- it's been getting me pretty stressed, I don't really know what I'm doing- but it's so easy when you enable me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I breathed out, feeling whole. "That's why I'm here."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He opened his mouth, then closed it, pursing his lips. "Well… do you… what can I do to help </span>
  <em>
    <span>you?</span>
  </em>
  <span>"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked, brow furrowing at the statement completely out of the blue. "What do you mean?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're always so busy making me happy. Fixing people's problems and such. But you never tell me if you've got an issue."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"God, Kaneki, you don't want to hear about my stupid frat boy drama."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked determined, frustrated, looking up at me with a little arthur meme fist pressed to his side. "I'm your best friend. I want to make you happy too. I want to make someone happy, I’d be sad if all I did was take up space and require things. You've done a lot for me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked away, upwards, slightly disarmed. "That's really sweet," I said, and it took a bit of effort not to sound affected. "You're doing great though, I don't expect you to be like me in that regard. It just comes naturally. I've got plenty to give. And how could I not give it to you?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Pshhhh." Kaneki rolled his eyes, looking down. "I find it ridiculous you say you don't know what I saw in you," he said, softly, sitting next to me on the overlook of a glittering landscape. "Can't you tell? You're the brightest, loudest, most aggressively individual person I've ever met. And what was I supposed to do when you held out your hand and asked to be best friends with someone you'd literally never spoken to?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You were never annoyed by me, not once?" I laughed. "Don't you sometimes wish you might have made some smart friends that aren't like, the exact opposite of you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Never."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I blinked, lying next to him on the dome.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What? Really?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiled, turning oh so softly to me, slightly vulnerable. "I'd never regret sitting there alone at lunch that day. I know you just would have profiled the room and attached yourself to the most lonely looking kid like a charity case. So." He smiled self deprecatingly. "Maybe it was nice I looked pathetic back then." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence, thick and aching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hide, you saved my life," he said, barely louder than a whisper, clutching my chest. "I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anyone left who cared a single bit about me, I had no one to turn to." And he laughed, a sad, happy, yearning kind of thing. "You walked into my life and gave me everything I was missing. And I didn't realize it for so long, but it's really obvious now, everything's just… ok. There's nothing wrong, for once, I'm happy and it's all because of you. I haven't ever thanked you, I haven't ever done anything for you. I want that to change.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stared at him, my mouth open, and tears were quite literally sparkling from the stupid twilight lights in my eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Damn, I don't know how to respond to that!" I curled in towards myself, hugging my knees, awash in pink. A sudden weakness overcame me as my unquestioned place in our friendship shifted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I always held his hand, what the fuck was I supposed to do if he tried to hold mine?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki smiled sweetly, calm black hair nearly bouncy. "You really don't have to, that's the thing. I'm glad you're here. I'm always going to be grateful you're here."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Uh-" This was off script now, and I didn't know what to say to that but to unintelligibly scream, so, I pulled out my phone. "You wanna like? Hear a song?" I held up the screen to his face, on spotify displaying a playlist called ‘Kaneki's stinky vibes’. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Why do you have a playlist called that???" He laughed, leaning back on my shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, uh, hello, he was touching me, I was passing away. Goodnight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Obviously for your stinky vibes, Kaneki."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"And you haven't shared it with me?" He asked, crossing his arms, his blue sweatshirt pressing into me where it was tied around his waist.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wasn't about to say "because it's a bunch of stupid fucking romantic songs about falling in love with your best friend" so I just shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Here. Just…" I held up the phone. "Take some vibes. If they're not right, you're legally allowed to skin me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And I scrolled through the list, realizing for maybe the third time today that spotify mobile was fucking homophobic. "Hmmmm well let's just press play," I said, hoping one of the ones I'd been thinking of came up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright," he said with a giggle (a giggle??? oh gee) And he took one earbud, leaning in closer to me and staring at the screen. I put in the other and softened against him, pressing play and immediately dissociating.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And I didn't realize for a few seconds as the familiar song came on, one that I'd play over and over… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You were the moon</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I was a wave</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Pull me out, push me away</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It's how we dance</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Isn't it amazing</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh lordy this one. For my own well being I hoped Kaneki didn't know as much english as I did. It was romantic, clearly, though if you didn't know the words I supposed it could be any sort of random motivational sappy song I played.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hold me close, let me go</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Except that faith is all I know</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And yes, I lied</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Because the whiskey made me</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked up to him, and it was hard not to feel with the song I fell apart to every time, disintegrating into a puddle of ~feelings for best friend~. And fuck, he seemed to be actually. Comprehending the lyrics, staring off into the pattern of stars with his mouth half open. Oh lordy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I was just enough</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But you need everything</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It's all a blur</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We're clearly fading baby</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh I could not make you want to</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Leave the world behind </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah shivers stuck in a bottle</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Let's break the glass tonight</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And yeah there were my most complicated feelings about him rattling around in my gay little brain, flaring up at those words, bittersweet and Yearning. I was so much for him, I couldn't see why but I heard this song and I pictured his face and I fell apart and oh, shit, was I going to fall apart on him, was I going to fall apart with him right there?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I'll be your afterglow </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Your sweetness and your light</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I'll be the chemical that helps you sleep at night</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>We're stardust you and I</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was exactly what I wanted it to be, I supposed… and I didn't care if it hurt me, I didn't care if this song wasn't really supposed to be happy, I just wanted him to be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the song ended, and he was smiling at me, and I didn't know what to do, because the song was a fucking bop and I really wanted to dance with him, like the gay idiot I was, but unfortunately Words Have Implications.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki took out the earbud, and he was starstruck, fidgety and red. "What about this song made you think of me?" He asked, in a laugh. "Don't give me that look, I know English."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Mmmm Uh. I didn't think this far ahead, I dunno. Vibes."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He cocked his head. "Because it kind of makes me think of </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>." He rolled his eyes. "You've got that… energy."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>",,,thanks?" I said, my voice going up an octave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You've always been like this since we were kids. You act like you're just an absolute idiot, but you're actually quite intelligent, emotionally as well as academically. I never really got that," he admitted. "You just hide it. You shouldn't hide it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You know so much about me," He turned away. "Might be because of living together for a year, but, it's kind of always been like that. But well… yeah. I liked that."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What, the song?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No- I mean, uh, the song was good, but I meant." He shrugged. "Dorming together. I really have to thank you for that, I always kind of thought I was being a bother."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I laughed, feeling somehow drunk even though I was completely sober. "Honestly, so do I. You were never bothering me, I loved having you around. There's just something about vibing with a friend when you're just… at home," I said, curling into myself a bit. "I… god, I kinda miss being a kid. That was the best."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I can't say the same," Kaneki laughed. "I'm so glad to finally be grown up." And it was so weird hearing him say it, sitting on the high ground of a plastic slide made for seven year olds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No, I mean-" I exhaled. "Obviously you probably feel better the way things are now, and I get it. I just… had a good childhood, I suppose. That's why I'm trying so hard to make all my friends happy. You're so wonderful. You never got to have a childhood." Calling myself out, I looked up. "I'm so immature just to balance you out."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A fond smile came to his face. "I suppose so."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So… this is why we're here, I suppose. We can just be stupid kids with no consequences."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hide, you're always- </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span>," he laughed," he said, quietly, painfully. "I spent all my childhood convinced you'd fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>die</span>
  </em>
  <span>." His thin hands clenched on the ground, whitening at the knuckles. "Because you were connected with me or something, I don't know- so I'm sorry in the past for never really reciprocating the friendship, I…" He looked away. "I didn't know how to make anyone stick around."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't worry about me leaving," I smirked. "I, go through withdrawal when you leave the room."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, man, I was saying things, wasn't I.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was just a stream of words, coming out of my mouth. "I was such a fucking mess when we first moved out, man, it's so much easier to be happy when you're here. But I wanted to help you be more of an adult or whatever, so it's not like I'd complain. I'd do anything for you, man, if I didn't, I'd fucking hate myself."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And I realized that… hadn't been obvious to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked surprised. And I was sitting there next to him and my chest was ripped open, my heart bleeding out onto his hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Oh… I…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up, seriously, and I think he really met my eyes for the first time, deep, cool grey. "Don't die trying to help me too much, Hide," he said, and it wasn't soft at all, and it </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span>. "That's what got my mom."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It seemed too on point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But here, grounded in this reality where we could just accept all the simple pain and happiness of a friendship, where it was that easy, where he was the one reaching out a hand for the first time in my life and I didn't know what to do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I have to start paying more attention to the people I love."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Bro-" I said, and my voice cracked, and there were tears in my eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Ben Platt says it better than me," he said stubbornly, and held out his phone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked up, smiling. "Ah, now it's my turn to be subjected to Lyrics, huh?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yes&lt;3"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Nerd." I snatched the phone and again we each put in an earbud. And he started playing it, covering his face with his hands, there in the twilight where stars began to appear in the sky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a sort of theatrical song, sappy and emotional and kind of messy, actually, and…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In case you don't live forever</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Let me tell you now</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In case you don't live forever</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Let me tell you the truth</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I am everything that I am because of you</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And, uh, oh shit, the words became the way he looked at me, the sky and how we sat with our legs crossed like kids on a plastic whale and somewhere in a different world this would never happen in a thousand years, but here-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I didn't think Kaneki had ever said he loved me before… certainly not like this.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I just- I got really worried for a second earlier, I don't know why I just… I can't lose you. And you're everything to me and you never have to give so much of yourself, you're the brightest thing I know."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I didn't know where it came from, in this over-sentimental song weaving the world around us, and maybe I wasn't sure of the difference between platonic and romantic affection but this was certainly… something.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tearstained and torn apart and utterly vulnerable, I was caught in the twilight, a firefly glowing on Kaneki's hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And I exhaled a tiny dare of affection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"...can I kiss you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"YOU WANT TO KISS ME???"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked away, choked with feeling, my eyes red. "Always have."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He made an interesting noise, face completely red. “Well why didn’t you say so before??? I always thought you, didn’t, feel that way-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“HHHHH” I responded, extremely eloquent. “Cause I’m your best friend- and I… thought you needed me more that way, I didn’t want to demand anything of you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, who said you can’t kiss your best friend?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No I mean like. I know you’re gay Kaneki but did you mean it in a homie way or like-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“HIDE.” He shouted over me, clasping my hands. And he gave me a well meaning smirk. “I’m already in love with you, you can stop saying dumb things. Yes I am expressing romantic interest in you. You can kiss me. I won’t fall apart. I can kiss you too, if you want. Actually, I think you need it. You can demand anything from me. It’s actually, ok.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Kaneki, you have no idea how incredibly stupid I feel right now. I feel like. Such an idiot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The world’s gayest shit was blasting out of the speaker, and we were hovering, hands reaching out, faces red and soft, breathing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I kissed him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>God, it wasn't like I hadn’t thought about how it might feel a thousand times, but the air was sweet with somebody’s bonfire a ways out, the breeze tangled my hair and his skin was smooth and warm under my hand, pulling up his chin to meet mine, accidentally whacking him with my nose and repelling him. And there was breathless laughter, a heartbeat, he took my face in his hands and turned it slightly, and we tried again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was so… delicate, when I touched him, like I hadn’t held his hand or rested on his shoulder or teased him so many times before, but surprisingly-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I was the one melting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When his eyes were on me and I didn’t know what to do, when I was always the protector, when he touched me and I fell apart and it was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>soft</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I was laughing and crying a little and what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I felt like I knew nothing at all, like this… couldn’t possibly be real.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Was it just me, or were the stars a little too bright-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hide, you’re a </span>
  <em>
    <span>mess-</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up,” I looked away, face burning hot, and we were sitting there in the same place we sat a thousand years ago like a fever dream, at the same time feeling like it had been yesterday. “Shut up, I look wonderful and stylish and you know it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t fucking believe you got up this morning and decided ‘today I will make Hide cry’.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You do it to me like every other day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wahfihewihawehfew;ahew”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, we are such teenagers.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And frantically, my mouth was on his again, and uh, boy, boy pretty-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fucking god he was so small, he was the same size as me but he made me feel clumsy and big but he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so happy</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And it wasn’t just him, it wasn’t just his happiness bleeding into my need to make him smile, I was happy too, with all my flaws spilled out in front of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you,” I heard him say, clinging to my torso, and god he must be getting surround sound effects of my tripping heart right about then, his head pressed to my chest. “We weren’t ever apart but… it feels like it’s been a lifetime.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I wasn’t one to feel so selfish, so righteously selfish.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I missed you too,” I sunk into him, softly. “I don’t like living apart from you. It’s too hard. Don’t leave me again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I promise. I won’t. I won’t.” And together we were so warm, I wanted to keep holding him forever. “It’s… really funny honestly, I legitimately thought you were joking with all the…” he trailed off, embarrassed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“To be fair, so did I, but, uh, here we are. Didn’t think I’d admit I ever Wanted anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“To be fair, I probably should have caught on when you said ‘are you really even gay if you never fall for your best friend’ a while back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I stared at him, leaning into his shoulder. “Who the fuck did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>think </span>
  </em>
  <span>I was talking about? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nishiki?!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” I fell backwards, choking on laughter. “I love you, Neki, but sometimes you’re fucking stupid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno, I thought you had some other best friend unknown to me and I got really sad for a bit. And I own that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bro…” I said, again. “There’s no one who’s more best of friend than you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smiled, sitting on his knees so daintily, and our hands were twined together, as he stared down at the hand, the drying tears on my face. “I needed that. You needed that.” He clung to me, and I fell to pieces. “It’s so lovely to know I’m not just a burden to you. That I’m needed to you the same way you are to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I… didn’t want to expect anything of you. You’ve been through enough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So have you,” he said, softly, and I was speechless.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...what are you s a y i n g ??”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kaneki shrugged, grey eyes soft looking upon me. “I mean… yeah, you're good at helping me and giving things to me and all and I loved that and I needed that but… I’m alright now. I acted kinda stupid before, took you for granted. You’re allowed to want things too. And like, sometimes it's good to accept nice things for yourself and let someone else do the work for a bit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knew if I took it seriously I might actually just pass away on his lap, so I smirked. “Is this a metaphor for you're saying you want to try to top me, virgin?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He turned red, and smiled a wry smile. “Maybe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I emotionally did a spit take.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kaneki.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I’d definitely never thought about it that way. And hm. Well. Maybe some switching could be arranged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was laughing, hugging my arm, eyes closed, in his stupid blue sweatshirt. “God, I’m so touch starved. I don’t. Touch people. You’re like, the only one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m honored,” I said, and my whole face was hot, like </span>
  <em>
    <span>hot </span>
  </em>
  <span>hot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like it. You can touch me. Please do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I was out of breath again, and I smirked. “Asmr I peg you in a public park for emotional support reasons.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uno reverse, gayass.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“OWO??????”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I’d rather not do it in a public park, actually. It’s getting fucking cold. And you have woodchips in your hair again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am going to end your existence.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And we were laughing again, laughing like we hadn’t in way too long, my hand clasping his wrist, nearly falling off the edge of the world.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing was wrong.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to leave. I don’t wanna leave you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The most intimate pause, and I turned to him. “...my place?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hand was in mine, staring up at the stars, and I didn’t know what on earth had gotten into me, but I was crying, loudly, to his love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I breathed in sweetly, and smiled into starry eyes, a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go home, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Darkness, and stars, and nothing out of the ordinary, his hand in mine and smiles that wouldn’t go out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Black hair, soft eyes, Kaneki unscarred and my smile intact, my best friend holding my hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...Yeah. Let’s go home, Hide.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im love them</p></blockquote></div></div>
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